future

Who cares what might have been?

I try not to dwell on what might have been had I done something differently in my life. BUT, there is one decision I wonder about and it takes over my brain from time to time. If I had taken the city planning/code enforcement job with the City of Westworth Village (on the west side of Fort Worth) instead of the control room operator job at Quicksilver Resources, where would I be? Quicksilver paid better, a ton better, and it was an obvious choice from a financial standpoint. I was just starting to come out of my dark hole of financial depression - I had been paying my bills in full, and on time, for the first time in MONTHS. I was starting to know what it felt like to be an adult, despite having to borrow my aunt’s car to go to the job interview because mine didn’t have air conditioning. I felt Quicksilver was the responsible choice, and I don’t think I was wrong about that, in the end.

I accepted a job, in the oil & gas industry, and essentially felt I had backed myself into a corner career wise. There are a lot of energy jobs in Texas and nationwide, but I wasn’t learning skills that would make me valuable to many companies. I sat in a control room, a data center with 12 screens, and monitored natural gas production for three years. I finally found a way out and ended up in the environmental department to learn new skills. I started to learn about environmental remediation, permitting, and plenty of other marketable skills but was laid off within about 15 months because the company had failed and filed bankruptcy. I ended up back in a control center, for another failing company, as a contract employee on a non-permanent basis. I jumped at my current role, another environmental job, but have been there for two years and haven’t had many opportunities to learn new things or see any room for advancement. I don’t hate the work, but I don’t love it either. It’s pretty normal, from the sounds of it to feel that way about work. Who knows?

I wonder what I could be doing if I had accepted the planning job, for less money. Would I be happier, more fulfilled? Would I have a solid foundation for a career in city planning? Would I be struggling with my bills the same way I am now, or worse?

Things that wouldn’t have gone away: my habits. I have bad habits when it comes to spending and saving. I don’t think any amount of money, short of six figures, would solve that problem. I feel if I had taken the road through city planning, I’d be below my current and previous pay grades, which were higher, but maybe I’d feel more challenged and have more room for growth? I don’t know, like I said, I try not to waste too much time on the whole concept.

I do know one thing going forward, I’m not going to solely follow the money - unless it’s a LOT of money. I’d like to learn new skills, get into a career that offers room to grow and challenges me along the way. I’d love to work with a city, county, or state government. Only time will tell what happens with my current job, but I know if I don’t make the positive changes it’s going to continue to just be okay enough to stay.

Instead of going over the scenarios and wondering how my life could have been different, I will focus on the HERE AND NOW. I will try to find ways to improve my current life, career path, and mindset. Instead of wasting brain power on the “what if” thoughts, I’m going to harness it into “if this, than that.” I’m not always successful at getting out of my own head, especially when I’m having a bad day, but I have worked hard to be mindful about this topic and I plan to work hard to carve the path I want instead of what I “backed myself into” or “what the industry says I should do.”

#MondayMotivation - Journal Time!

In trying to write my big four part series of the road trips that started it all, I've been finding more and more little journals all over the place.  I have some devoted to travel, one for thoughts, a few with scribbles that aren't important, and a few more that are just empty.  Reading through has been helpful, insightful, and of course reflective.

Travel

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I have three travel journals, I think there's one more somewhere though, because I tend to forget them when I actually travel.  The original, started in 2008, documents the second, third, and fourth spring break trips, a trip to Minnesota and Michigan, and a few nights I was in West Texas for work.  A second journal, bought in Alaska, has details from my 2017 trip to Alaska, a camping trip to New Mexico, the drive home from Portland, and my 2017 BFF trip last year to Utah.  I have a THIRD journal is specific to my recent trip to the Olympic Peninsula earlier this year, and only has one or two pages of writing.  I'm debating how to go forward with these journals.  Obviously, step one, is to be more mindful about bringing a journal along and restricting myself from buying a new one.  Step two is to remember to record things that pop into my head - either as a voice note or in the designated journal.  Step three, probably the most important, is to slow down and take everything in.  You can be efficient while enjoying everything and remembering it.

The original travel journal has a lot of funny quotes, phrases I can't quite understand, and writing from everyone on the trip.  It is a special piece of the past and I honestly think I didn't really continue writing in it because trips like those didn't happen anymore.  Making peace with the way things used to be and moving forward is what I'm doing and I'll continue to fill it in for years to come.

Thoughts

My thoughts journal is my most personal.  It contains those thoughts you can't say aloud or to anyone else, but need to put them somewhere other than your head.  This particular thought journal started in 2015 and has a few gaps in there, but has something from every year.  When something is just too big, good or bad, I write it down.  By writing it down, I'm breaking it apart and finding whatever it wholly is, it's just pieces put together.

The Motivation Part (or whatever)

I don't know how inspirational or motivating this post is, but it's just a way for me to highlight that writing or recording thoughts can be a helpful exercise in maintaining some clarity.  If I didn't have the website, these journals, or my phone (for recording thoughts while driving), I'd probably be even more anxious and scatterbrained.  I encourage anyone to scribble for a bit and see what it does for you.  Maybe writing it all out will help organize your thoughts, or maybe it will do nothing for you.  Either way, it's worth a shot.