Be honest with yourself
I’m a work in progress, constantly trying harder and making moves to be the best version of me. I’m in competition with the day before, not really anything else. The more honest I am with myself, the better off life seems to be.
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I’ve been an anxious attachment kind of guy for years now, but I’m actively work to change that for myself. Learning how people interact and what it means to trust the process can be scary, but rewarding. I’m pushing through past experiences and learning they don’t have to be a barrier for me to trust things in my current life. When people say they care, have love, and don’t plan to go anywhere I have no choice but to believe that to be the truth. My brain doesn’t always like that, or allow it to be the whole thought, but it’s part of that process of pushing through and learning new ways to live. None of this is happening overnight, there’s a lot of therapy and self-exploration happening on the regular. When I stop, think, and simplify, I can truly hold on loosely to the truth I know is buried underneath the bullshit in my brain.
Not everyone I know can reassure me that they want to be in my life, so I have to trust that their presence is the proof. That may seem like a simple concept to many, but for me I just couldn’t wrap my head around that. When people don’t reach out for a while, I would assume the worst. As social media became the norm, I’d expect even more to feel secure. This isn’t healthy, nor is it realistic for anyone involved. I’ve had to learn to understand how other people need and want me in their lives, wrap my head around that, and build a respectful way to be attached to them. I’m constantly working on my own internal expectations for people based on what they can offer and what they want/need from me. This is a catalyst for another concept I’ve been working on in my brain related to not expecting one person to fulfill everything I need while simultaneously not being able to provide everything they need. Having many people, and attaching to them in a secure way, to have my needs met and meet their needs is so much better for me. Again, a simple enough concept, but one that was foreign to me for years.
I am not sure why I feel the need to share about this, but I’m not ashamed of who I am and who I’ve been, and maybe talking about it could help someone else. I can write all of this and still worry that I’m not enough or that someone I hold dear will leave me in the dust. It’s not always logical, nor is it pleasant, but that noise is becoming less and less prominent as I continue to do the work. I’m getting to know myself, being more honest with myself, embracing my form of crazy, and I think at 40 I’m finally understand what I need and the steps necessary to get there.
When I take care of the things that don’t feel right, it’s easier for me to feel secure and work on how I attach to people and situations. I attach to people who give me the feelings I need - I think we all do. The problem, at least for me, is assuming the people who care one moment will not care the next. This is based in nothing, is often not real, and I’m still working on where that misconception is coming from within my wiring. I have been grateful to have some good therapists over the past few years to help explore why things happen and how I move through them. Classic anxious attachment comes from feeling insecure or not worthy of the attachment, and that tracks for me in my life. The hardest part of being insecure in attachment is inadvertently hurting someone. By not trusting in their words and actions, it can cause unnecessary harm or put space between that doesn’t need to be there.
Learning to love in new ways has been revolutionary in also securing attachment. Growing up, I had plenty of people who loved me and never truly felt “unloved” in any way. I need to state that very clearly. But, I didn’t always love myself or feel like I was wanted and that’s an anxiety that went unaddressed for decades.
At 40, I’m learning there are so many ways to love people and be in love with people. The biggest thing I’m embracing and learning, finally, is that loving myself is the priority. It has been said that you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself, and I partially agree. I think the journey to self-love involves loving and being loved by other people, but the part I work hard on is knowing I deserve to be loved. Everyone is deserving of love. I am deserving and I am accepting of it more and more each day.
