Spiral back up

Last week I had one of the lowest days of my recent life. My emotions were running high. I was anxious, I was angry, I was sad, I was longing, I was all over the place. I was easily irritated and every little thing that went wrong pushed me closer to a boiling point. Nearly everyone who spoke to me irritated me and the world started to feel like it was literally imploding and I couldn’t get out. I have had panic attacks before, but not like this. This was a big, black hole and I was also boiling over at the same time so I don’t even remember much after I threw the thing in the garage and it broke into a million pieces. I blacked out with tears in my eyes and I wasn’t quite sure what was going on with me. I came back to reality, wiped my face, and felt that my blood pressure was level and my mind was clear.

The post menty-b clarity is very real. I was disoriented, but very much alive and feeling great. I was seeing things from a new view, kind of an outside-looking-in type of scene. I was picking apart my feelings, clearing anxiety, and making plans to ensure I didn’t boil over again. I sorted out the anxiety related to the move happening very soon, I cleared up the feelings about people I was confused about, and I did something to take my mind off the bullshit in the world.

I’ve been spiraling up since that moment. I’ve been pushing ahead, focusing on the good, and staying clear about my feelings. I’ve been working hard to ensure I’m being honest with myself, and others, and expressing myself when necessary. I’ve redirected my worry about things and I’m reframing them as wonder. I have great people reassuring me that everything is going to be okay and that I’m going to be okay. I am a lucky guy to have such wonderful friends and family who know how to make me see the good and believe it, too.

I share this because my psychiatrist confirmed today that moving is one the single-most stressful things we can experience and that this isn’t at all surprising to him. I took comfort in this, knowing it’s just part of the range of things I can feel and it’s not a dominant part of my mental health. I’m grateful it’s not a more frequent occurrence and I’m grateful I now know the signs a little more as things become too much for me. Yesterday, I started to feel like I was slipping out of control again and I managed to catch myself and calm the fuck down for a little bit preventing a bigger problem.

I learned that I need to pay attention to my internals and my boiling point. I learned that I need to focus on being honest with myself and taking necessary steps to address things making me feel angry, upset, or sad. Life is always about finding the lessons and pushing forward the best you can.