Change Takes Work

Looking out on Lake Superior in Duluth, MN

The move to Minnesota will be a fresh start - physically, anyway. The mental burdens of life will always be there, but why not deal with those on the shores of Lake Superior?

I left the Pacific Northwest for Ohio, I know, what was I thinking? I was thinking the PNW was becoming too expensive and the new job paid more with a lower cost of living. There’s a reason the job paid more, there’s a reason it’s more cost-effective to live in Ohio, and no amount of money is worth being totally miserable. I laughed, I faked it, I tried, but I could not stick it out. I did enjoy many good times in Ohio, thought there were a few. I loved that my house was a good center point for friends from the midwest and the east coast and that I had the space to host them all. I had great visitors, great weekends, and saw the beauty that Ohio has to offer. I’m good, for now, on this place and look forward to seeing it in the rearview mirror.

The job started off exciting and hopeful, and I really wanted it to be my forever job. It was the type of place you work and build a career and retire, so that’s what I planned to do for the next 10-15 years. I was so hopeful, I need to make that statement again, because I was really trying to fit in and make it work. I worked hard and learned what I had to do. The job was fine, but the environment and culture of the place was probably the most toxic place I’ve ever worked. I tried to fight it - with optimism and change - but it got me, gal. I started to fall victim to the negativity that was running rampant every minute of every day. I was talked over in meetings, not trusted to do and learn my job, and promised training without actually getting any training. Expectations were set and I was required to be near my phone all of the time, just in case. The office was 80 miles from my rental, and that was the closest I could find at the time. I looked at moving closer, but was met with so many challenges in that regard that it wasn’t looking great. I started to grow darker, more desperate, and it was obvious that I needed to make a change. I held on to hope for finding housing closer and suggested ways to make work more efficient.

Those things didn’t pan out, so I just applied for all the open and remote jobs I could find that fit my skills. I wasn’t really getting anywhere, but it was okay, because even the act of trying to change my situation made me feel less dark inside. I was worried I had failed. I put a lot of pressure on myself when I left the PNW to do so well with this higher-paying job and low cost of living. I put pressure on myself to succeed and do well with these big changes. When the job wasn’t working anymore, when the town wasn’t bringing me joy, when I was too busy working to do anything, I started to slip into the darkness. I was gone 13-14 hours per day, I was not getting my stuff done at home, I was not snuggling my dog enough, and above all I was not meeting new friends or really living life. The darkness started to win, and I was sad and cranky more often than not. I had failed myself and everyone I tried to convince that Ohio was the best choice - or so I thought. In reality, I hadn’t failed at shit and no one ever said “I told you so” about anything. That’s an inner demon, from the darkness, that was telling me those things. The only way to combat the demon is to make changes and keep pushing forward.

A double rainbow in my yard in Lancaster, OH

Eventually, because I was open to change, a recruiter reached out and I was hired by a consulting firm with a growing environmental team. I have a good salary, I work remotely, and I have a supportive team and boss. I’m optimistic, yet realistic, about this job. The job came at the right time, because I wasn’t having any luck finding any housing near my old job, just in case I didn’t get a new one. With the remote job, I could go anywhere and the goal was to find something cheaper up in Columbus for now, but then another idea and opportunity hit. Why not go up to Duluth and maybe stay with my best friends for a bit until I find something perfect? It was set, it was planned, it was going to be awesome! BUT, an even better situation came about - why not move in with the family friends in their rental unit and have an affordable space all to myself ON LAKE SUPERIOR? This all happened because I wanted to make changes and put in the effort to make changes. I had been trying to get to Duluth since 2021, and there’s always been something in the way. This time, there’s no obstruction and there is no one blocking me. This time, it’s happening. The job, the location, and the life I want in Duluth is happening. I feel like it’s a full circle moment that keeps pushing me forward.

I really miss my life in the PNW. There were so many moments in Ohio that I let that longing take me down and keep me dark. I missed my communities in Portland and Olympia, my friends all over, and the proximity to literally some of the most beautiful places in this country. I missed the public transit and great food of Portland. I didn’t quite have the opportunity to build a community in Ohio, but I hope to do so in Duluth and even the cities (Minneapolis-St. Paul). I saw the nature here, but I’m way more excited for the nature of the Great Lakes and only being a long day drive from a ton of places I haven’t seen in the Great Plains and Montana. I’m pumped to be living closer to friends who are family. I can’t wait to have my coffee by the lake and watch the storms roll across. I can’t run from the darkness, but I can keep fighting the things that take me there.

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Best Friends and West Virginia

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A Great Loss